Begin at the End

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Begin at the End

Beginnings: it is that time of year in which you can feel them humming in the air.  The budding tress, the tulips showing off their vibrant colors, the birds sharing a new song, and the lambs merrily prancing in the fresh green grass.  Mother Earth is waking up and stretching her cold, stiff muscles in the newborn sunshine.  And it is beautiful.

With as much as is beginning right now, I feel sharp the edge of endings.  Part of this is my mistake of counting to and from significant and insignificant dates; four months since that happened, five weeks until this, two months on Friday since that occurred, three days until this starts.  In many ways I have lifted myself out of springtime and observed it from a distance.  I have forgotten to sink into the small spaces, to allow myself space to process and enjoy the moment for what it is: longing, joy, fear, excitement, frustration, satisfaction.  Instead of embracing and appreciating the experiences for what they are and what they might help me learn, I have been avoiding living through them.

The realization of my avoidance struck a nerve recently, and I dove into some considerable thought as to what I want from life.  I won’t spoil the surprise for anyone who might read this, but let’s just admit, I do not want to follow the stereotypical path that many of my friends currently post about on Facebook.  And you know what that realization brought me?  An intense sense of invigoration.

Although deep down I’ve known for a while I’m not following the beaten path, I’ve never quite been able to imagine what it might consist of.  It took some dark days and floods of tears to realize that I’m on an amazing and exciting adventure.  That I can still support those I love and cherish while I explore my own trails and push societal expectations aside.  I have realized that, thanks to learning of the unique Tiwi relationship to their own family members, I can fill the roles of mother and father, of auntie and uncle, but maintain my fierce independence from the norm.  In many ways I feel like I can see my happy ending; I have realized a role I find revitalizing and igniting.  And the best part is, I know that it is not the end, but a whole new beginning.

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